The D Word

I am no stranger of divorce.  My parents divorced 15 years ago, I was 18 years old at the time, the oldest of five children.  I grew accustomed to hearing the fighting, the yelling.  So when my parents called us downstairs one night and told us my mom was leaving, I didn't react.  I felt numb and was not shocked at all to hear the news.  It had been such a long time coming that it was more of a relief for us than any thing it should have been. My father went through a large grieving process.  He was mad, sad, furious.  He lashed out at my mom in any way he could.  He got drunk and even threatened to commit suicide.  Hardest thing I ever had to do was call the police and have him taken to jail so he would sleep off the drunken stupor. After that he tried to find solace with women.  He went from relationship to relationship.... searching... seeking, never finding what he had with my mother. Eventually he met her.  She was younger than him, and needed a place to live, so she moved into the rental place my parents had been managing next door.  She had three kids, the youngest was a toddler.  My father loved kids, he did really well fathering them.  He started spending more time there than he did with us.  Eventually, he lost our house, moved the kids in next door with her.  Seven years later, they married.  None of us children felt loved by her.  We never felt like part of her family.  Even as we grew up, I had children of my own, she never truly made me feel like she loved me or my kids.  Obviously she showed my children more love than me.  But I only really accepted her as part of the family because of my father. Now, 6 years later, after many arguments, leaving, etc, they have called it quits.  The break up feels the same for me as it did for my parents.  Difference is I missed my mom.  I find it ironic that the woman who has been with my father for about 14 years, has completely severed ties with my siblings and me.  Not a word spoken or written to us.  Deleted AND blocked from Facebook.  Her children, my step-siblings, have also deleted me.  It is a weird thing when you realize that a person who has been in your life for that long, does not care about you.  She does not care about your siblings.  And she does not care about your kids.  Explaining to my children where she is and the situation is harder than ever having to deal with it myself.  Then seeing my kids not being hurt by it shows me how little she did for them.  How much she didn't show affection towards my children.  How she never made them feel like they were part of her family.  My father is now having to fight for his retirement.  Please keep my father in your prayers.  Though he isn't admitting it, I know this has to be hurting him.  The loss of a spouse.  The past feelings being brought back to light.  The hurt that he isn't admitting.  Also pray for her.

Long time no see!

I realized I haven't done this in a while and said to myself, "Self, you need to do this because you haven't done it in a while."  And now I realize how lame I sound.  :/ That is an awkward face.  I like to make them, especially when telling stories like... the other day when cleaning out the bare room I found a dead bat... minus the dead part.  :/  A. True story.  B. :/  3. When I say bare room I am talking a room that is uninsulated, not a room with a bear in it.  And Q. :/!!!!!  

Let me share my E true not so Hollywood story.  First we have to go back in time... to about a week ago.  Sitting on my beyond comfortable brown sofa recliner after a three hour trip back from the in-laws and I look to my left for some reason. (I.e. To grab the remote, there was a fruit fly, I was trying to lick my ear, etc) I see what appears to be a spider in the lower corner of my aqua colored living room.  (Btw... A. When do you call it a living room and when do you call it a front room?  B. Do you call it anything else?  Thirdly... :/ )  I call after the hubs and say, "Nick, do you remember that conversation we had about you being the man of the house and needing to do things that I require of you to make me feel safe while not making fun of me for said things?"  Looking at me with confused curiosity he says, "Sure?.." "Well good cause there is a spider in that corner please end it's life."  He walks over to the corner and after finally finding it he says, "That is like 10 feet away from you." "Firstly, it is 4-5 feet away from me!  Nextly, tomorrow it will be no where in sight and I won't be able function until I see it's crumpled body in a small piece of tissue! And thirdly, WHAT did I say about you not picking on me!?!?!!!?:/?!?!?" Let's just say I had a fairy tale ending and lived happily ever after until yesterday.

We redid our roof and after doing said roof walked into our bare room.  (Don't forget this is a uninsulated room not a room full of bear paraphernalia.)  We hadn't thought about it and the tar, dirt and any and all roof debris had fallen on all of our stuff.  Skip to a month later and we decide to finally clean it up and organize the room.  One side of the room got it worse than the other, therefore making me pull out every single box and sweeping around all sides of them.  I move this one box and there is a dead bat on the ground.  Now lucky for you, since you read the first part of my blog you know that is a live bat.  I however, didn't have that luxury at the time.  I waited patiently for my hubs to return from taking a load to the garbage can. Upon his arrival I told him I found that bat he saw flying in there several months ago and that, per his agreement, he had to sweep it up sans picking on me. He did a small chuckle and said just use the broom!"  Um no!!!  Your job!  As he touches it with the broom it opens it's mouth as if it was saying a slow long wahhhh. (1. If I had known he was alive I wouldn't have been standing in the same room as him. 2. Why am I saying him, it may have been a girl. C. :/!!!) I then scream and run.  "Nick!!!!!"  "Yes Linds?"  "WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!?!?!?!"  :/  He ended up grabbing a towel to pick it up with.  He said the bat was holding on with his last ounce of energy, but wasn't gonna make it unless he could manage to eat the garbage can flies.  Garbage pickup is Wednesday and I doubt I will open the lid until then.  

Well, I guess that is all for now.  Til next time, may your life be filled with :) and to keep it lively, a few :/

Slam Poetry

I have always been a big fan of poetry. My sister and I wrote it often to express feelings in ways we weren't really verbally able to. I remember growing up, we would write "Newspapers" and use to dream of one day having a book of poetry titled "Sister Sister." Hahaha. Good times. :)

But decades later, I still love poetry. Just something about taking your inner-most thoughts and using a pen and paper to express it in rhyme.

Slam poetry is a beautiful art of using your passion about certain subjects and expressing yourself in poetry, many times resulting in performing your slam in front of an audience.

It has been a long time since I have done this... but I am gonna share some poetry with you...

Ears

Looking at my son I see his father's smile

I see my sisters and brothers noses, chins, and hair.

Their color may be his eyes,

But my genes gave him the big doe size.

I see a little boy full of wonder and delight.

A boy who loves to run, wrestle, build snowmen, kick and throw.

A boy who makes too little sense in the world, but in his world it all makes perfect sense and there is always room to grow.

When I look at him, perfection is reflected in my tears.

But most others see a little body with broken ears.

Entwined with technology meant to enhance what residual hearing he's got.

Hearing we thought was perfect for two and a half years then found out it's not.

Fast forward a year and a half and we were told a different tale

His hearing was overestimated and his technological blessings weren't what failed.

Same time we find something that would blow my mind.

My son, my precious child, my first born, my little boy, I did this to him.

Giving him an x chromosome malformation, I wanted information,

I needed to know, what exactly does that mean?!

I was angry at myself, I hated my genes.

But in my faith I found a way through all my words to God I would say

I would pray to forgive myself, day after day

Then through it all I saw blessings in disguise

He didn't have to hear the things I had despised

Cussing and hatred, taunting and teasing.

Yells were whispers and nothing would seize this little boys dreams

He had to be more aware of feelings and faces,

In return his was kind and caring, bold and daring.

He loves his life and knows no other.

And I love him and am blessed as his mother.

So now we are moving forward, talking, speaking, speech fills our days,

Phrases and sentences, reiteration, repetition, no jaw relaxation.

Loving our blessings we have been entrusted to raise,

Through all of this we have given Him praise.

Hearing or not, we feel His presence in them and in us.

And it makes me wish we were all as compassionate as my children are.

But I guess this just shows, their generation they're raising the bar.

THANKS FOR READING!!!

Adventures in Subbing

I have been subbing for around a month now. It has never been boring! Kindergarten is my favorite grade. The kids are so honest, so open. Well, mostly honest. lol

A week ago I was subbing in Art. The Kindergarten class had to make a picture out of shapes. More specifically, a house is a square shape, a roof is a triangle, a door is a rectangle, etc. Then a snowman with circles.

After each kid began I walked around to see how they were all doing. I came up to a little boy and asked what was on his paper. He said it's a fish. I took the "fish" off his main paper and told him to start again. Walk back around and get to this little boy again and say, "What's that?" He says, "A semi-truck." It ACTUALLY looked like a semi-truck! This time I said, "Just go with it. It looks awesome." :)

It was a lot of fun. Much better than HS.

ChoOsE jOy!!!

This past Sunday's service was Ah-maze-za-zing! :) Pastor Dan talked about choosing joy and removing worry from your life.

I have always lived this statement, but have never placed it in those words, "Choose joy!" It is so simple! And God makes it so easy! When you go about your day, don't worry, rest in knowing that God is taking care of things. :) From money, to sickness, to not enough time in your day. God has it covered.

So in the very words of Bobby McFerrin, a believer in Christ and well known musician:

Don't worry... be happy.

Don't worry be happy now.

Dooooo.... da do ba do be do ba dooooo.... do ba do ba do be doooooo.... do ba do ba dooo..